Mike Lane didn't write this, I wish I did. If anyone
can find a candidate that will give this speech I will vote for him or her!
A few words from our next president inaugural speech!
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My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq
regime has been completed. Since congress does not want to spend any more money
on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all
American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It
is now to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of
countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list
is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some
of the countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most
of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be
distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign
aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money
saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the
Iraqi war.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into
third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on
corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call
France!
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to
redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at
home. On that note, a word to terrorist
organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the
earth.
Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or
maybe China.
I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations
with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We
are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mesamis.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing
the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two
unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded
and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You
creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or
watch you're precious Benzes, Bimmers and limos be turned over to some of the
finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since
we are likely to be seeing a lot more
of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.
Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire
corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra
tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put 'em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.
Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the
NAFTA Treaty - starting Now.
We are tired of the one-way highway.
Immediately, we'll be
drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs
for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this
decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its
own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying,
"darn tootin.".
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life
around the world has only earned us
the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet.
It is time to
eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer
from America. To the nations on List 1,
A final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won’t forget.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to
learn to speak Arabic.
God bless America. Thank you and good night.
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it
in English, thank a soldier!
Sincerely and with conviction,
The President of the United States
